I’m starving. It’s 5.20 a.m. and I haven’t slept. It’s a combination of caffeine and too many ideas. (Coffee works so strangely for me. Sometimes I become very subdued, sometimes I get really bright and chirpy. Other times, it simply has no effect. I don’t know.)
Something happened recently at work, which has forced me to step out of my comfort zone. It was good for a while, it sheltered me from having to make any strong decisions about what I really want. So tonight, my caffeine-stimulated brain has me drawing and plotting like crazy, all the while thinking, thinking, thinking.
Part of me knows that I’ve made beautiful dreams become reality before, and there is no reason why I couldn’t do it again. But another part of me is scared and doubtful, to the point of inertia. I’m afraid I’ll make a mistake, I’m afraid I won’t have the answers, and that I’d fail. So with those fears in my heart, I retreat into the illusory safety net of working for someone else who is responsible for the paycheck.
I want to know that everything will be ok. And in the long run, it will be. What’s the worst that could happen? (Some sensible risk assessment would not go amiss in the next couple of months.) Everyone must start somewhere.
“When you take Imperfect Action, you’re discovering yourself, not waiting to be discovered.” – Christine Kane
I met this amazing saxophone player tonight. His playing was flawless, and you could hear his heart being played out through the music. It was beautiful. He picked up his instrument of choice at the age of 25, and has been playing for 30 years. He has a day job, but says he wants to play more and more music, because there is so much! It made me realize that the better you get at something, the more you want to do it. Getting better is a learning process that a lot of people, including myself, find difficult. It involves facing discouragement, your inner demons, and dealing with pain. It takes up your time, and tries your patience. For the reasons listed, I suppose that’s why we are encouraged to do stuff we love!
We’ll see how the next few months pan out. For now, it’s mac and cheese time!